The Unapologetic Guide to Not Making Everyone Comfortable

A gentle reminder that someone else’s discomfort is not always your responsibility.

There is a very specific kind of tired that comes from constantly trying to make sure everyone around you is comfortable. You think about how your words sound. You replay conversations over and over. You tamper down your requests to make them easier. You add “if that’s okay with you” to things that are, in fact, definitely okay to ask for.

You say, “I don’t care,” when you actually do. You say, “whatever's easiest for you” when you have a preference. You say, “No worries!” while internally experiencing approximately a thousand worries (GUILTY AS CHARGED). And then you wonder why you feel so tired.

The Problem With Trying to Keep Everyone Happy

Somewhere along the way, many of us learn that being a “good” person means keeping everyone else happy. If someone is disappointed or sad, we assume that somehow it was us who must have done something wrong. If someone is upset, we immediately start looking for ways to fix it. If someone doesn’t like our decision, we reconsider whether it was a good decision and should we even be responsible for making decisions??

But here’s the thing: You can be kind without being endlessly accommodating.

You can care about someone’s feelings without taking responsibility for managing their emotions. You can make a decision that works for you and still be a great person. And yes, sometimes someone might be uncomfortable. That does not automatically mean you have done something wrong (don't let your brain convince you otherwise).

The difference between being considerate and being responsible for everyone’s comfort...

Being considerate might sound like:

“I know that this isn't the most ideal outcome, but I am not able to do that.”

Being responsible for everyone’s comfort might sound like:

“I’m so sorry, I feel terrible, I hope you’re not upset. Maybe I can rearrange my whole life to make this work?”

One is communication. The other is an unpaid emotional customer service position.

A few things you are allowed to do

You are allowed to:

• Say no without writing a novel.

• Have a preference.

• Change your mind.

• Ask for clarification.

• Take time before answering.

• Let someone be disappointed.

• Stop explaining yourself after you have already been clear.

• Make a decision that works for you, even if it is not everyone’s favorite decision.

  
  

None of these things require you to become inconsiderate. They simply require you to remember that your comfort matters, too.

A question worth asking yourself

The next time you feel the urge to immediately fix someone else’s disappointment, stop and ask yourself:

“Am I being kind because I genuinely want to, or am I trying to make sure they have no uncomfortable feelings about my decision?”

Those are two very different things. And learning to tell the difference can be a pretty important part of learning to live more unapologetically.

The takeaway

You do not have to make everyone comfortable to be a good person. You do not have to be endlessly agreeable to be lovable. And you do not have to abandon your own needs to prove that you care.

Sometimes being unapologetic looks like taking up space or maybe even saying no. And sometimes it looks like letting someone else have a feeling without immediately trying to make it go away.

You can be a good person without being everyone’s favorite person. And honestly once you accept that, life seems a little less chaotic.